Talking about s** can feel awkward, especially when you’re just getting to know someone. But if you’re waiting until marriage to have s**, it’s essential to communicate that to any potential partners. Physical intimacy and personal values are crucial parts of compatibility, so having this conversation early on can save you and your date from misunderstandings down the road. The good news? Experts say there are ways to bring this up without making it too uncomfortable. Here’s how to approach the topic and stay true to yourself.
Understanding Your Decision to Wait
1. Know Your Reasons and Be Confident
First things first: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to wait until marriage to have s**. This decision is personal and reflects your values, beliefs, or preferences. So, take a moment to pinpoint why you’ve made this choice. Understanding your reasons can help you communicate your decision clearly and confidently, providing your date with insight into who you are and what you stand for.
Your reasons could be rooted in religion, personal values, or a desire for deeper emotional intimacy before physical intimacy. No matter what they are, knowing why you’re waiting can help reinforce your commitment to yourself and make it easier to explain to others.
2. Practice Non-Judgment
When you’re sharing your choice with someone else, be mindful not to project judgment. While you’re firm in your decision, your date might have a different perspective on s** before marriage. Respecting their views creates a safe space for open dialogue and helps ensure that they feel comfortable, too. A judgment-free conversation lets both of you assess whether your values align.
Timing the Conversation Right
1. Don’t Rush It on the First Date
There’s no rule that says you have to bring up your stance on s** before marriage on the first date. If it doesn’t come up naturally or feels too soon, don’t worry about it. Executive matchmaker Jill Vandor recommends bringing it up around the second or third date, or when things start to progress physically. For example, if your date invites you back to their place, you could let them know you’re interested in spending time together, but that you’re waiting until marriage for s**.
2. Have the Conversation Before Things Get Heated
While it might feel a bit nerve-wracking, it’s usually best to bring up your stance on s** before things become physical. Dr. Joshua Klapow, clinical psychologist and co-host of The Kurre and Klapow Show, suggests addressing it in a non-s***** setting. If you wait until things are already heating up, your date might feel rejected or even frustrated, which can lead to a difficult conversation. Sharing this in a more neutral setting allows both of you to have a rational, respectful, and honest discussion.
Tips for Having the Talk
1. Communicate Face-to-Face, Not Over Text
When you’re ready to have this talk, aim for a face-to-face conversation. Text or phone calls can lead to misunderstandings, so it’s better to have this important discussion in person. Body language, tone, and facial expressions can help convey sincerity and prevent misinterpretations that might make things awkward.
2. Be Clear About Your Boundaries
It’s essential to be specific about what “waiting until marriage” means to you. Dr. Klapow emphasizes the importance of clarity: “People use the term s** to mean different things—from intercourse to other forms of intimacy. So, it’s critical that you and your partner understand what you consider to be s**.”
It may feel a bit uncomfortable at first to discuss specifics, but this is your chance to establish clear boundaries. By doing so, you allow your date to process the information and decide whether they’re on the same page. Plus, discussing what you are comfortable with can help make the conversation positive and collaborative.
3. Emphasize What You Are Open To
Just because you’re waiting for marriage doesn’t mean you’re closed off to physical intimacy altogether. Let your date know what forms of closeness you’re comfortable with, like holding hands, cuddling, or kissing. This can help them understand that your choice isn’t about rejecting them, but about honoring your own boundaries. By focusing on what you’re okay with, you also create an opportunity to explore other ways of growing closer together.
Anticipate Reactions (and Be Ready for Them)
1. Accept That Your Date Might Not Agree
Remember, you can’t control how your date will react. They may be supportive, or they may decide that they’re not on the same page. If your date isn’t willing to wait until marriage, that’s okay—it just means you’re not compatible. You’re seeking someone who shares your values or can at least respect them, so try not to take it personally if they can’t see eye to eye with you on this.
2. Handle Disrespect with Confidence
If your date disrespects your boundaries by making jokes, dismissing your decision, or pressuring you to change your mind, that’s a sign to end things. As Dr. Klapow notes, a caring and respectful partner might not share your choice, but they will always respect it. Protecting your values is more important than pleasing someone who doesn’t value them.
Making the Conversation Easier
1. Rehearse with a Friend or Write It Out
If you’re feeling nervous, consider practicing the conversation ahead of time. Dr. Klapow recommends writing out what you want to say, while Vandor suggests role-playing with a trusted friend. By practicing, you can get more comfortable with your words and feel more at ease when the time comes to share your choice with your date. This extra preparation can boost your confidence and make the conversation go more smoothly.
2. Allow Your Date Time to Process
Once you’ve shared your choice, give your date some time to process. You don’t need to pressure them for an immediate response. Explain that your decision is about you and your beliefs, not about a lack of attraction to them. Give them the space to consider your choice and reflect on how they feel about it.
Staying True to Yourself and Moving Forward
Ultimately, this conversation is an important step in determining compatibility. If your date respects your decision and shares similar values, it’s a great sign for your potential relationship. If not, knowing early on allows you to move forward and seek someone who aligns with your beliefs. Waiting until marriage is a personal choice that speaks to your values, and the right partner will support and appreciate that.
The purpose of this conversation is not to convince anyone but to find someone who truly respects your choice. Remember, you’ve made this decision for a meaningful reason, and the best partner for you will understand and respect that. So, stay strong, communicate openly, and trust that the right person will value you for who you are.
